Someone wrote this to me, maybe it was in one of my blog comments, I can't remember; "this is just another dip in the road". Yes, that's what it is going on with me right now. Nothing that out of the ordinary for me, just a dip, another big dip. I should be used to them by now, but they always seem to take me by surprise. Each day is fresh and brand new - I wake up never knowing if I will be full of creative energyor maybe I'll barely be able to rouse myself out of bed to do the simplest of daily tasks. Why would I share this on my blog, I ask myself. As near as I can tell, it's because I'm such a recluse, living out here in the country, and this blog is my conduit to the world, to my people, to those I trust and some I probably don't. I want connection, I want to be understood, and this incredible maze of electronics makes it possible to have friends in Australia and Europe and anywhere in the world there is internet. I write so I won't feel so alone.
I continue to work in my journal, lots of stress is relieved by creating, knowing that what i put on the page is for my eyes only. Still, I feel lost right now, I don't know where I'm going. I don't know where my art is going. Why it should bother me I don't know, I wish it didn't. But being in the uncomfortable place of between, makes me feel a bit afraid, and more.
I'm going to sprinkle beautiful photos in amongst all these dense sentences, heavy with thoughts and emotions. I feel blessed to have family and friends who accept me for exactly who I am, one with moods that fly from one end of the spectrum to the other in a matter of days, sometimes hours. Here is my darling grandaughter Violet Summer, celebrating her 2nd birthday. And her mommy, my sweet Heather, who is ready to give birth any day now. My sweet darling youngesst daughter Marissaa called me this morning. She wanted me to download a song onto my MP3 player - a song by the artist Corinne Bailey Rae called Seasons Change. Marissa heard her in concert a coupe weeks ago and was moved by the song; she felt that I would understand it, and wanted me to hear it. I played it tonight and cried; what a gift it is to be understood by my daughter, to be friends with her now that she is an adult. She knows me, she understands me...both my girls do, what a gift that is. I made lots of mistakes mothering the two of them, but I loved them unconditionally and they both are beautiful women, they make me proud.
I've read many blogs the past several days that echo many of the same feelings I'm having, I know I'm not alone, I know I'm not unique. There is an ebb and flow for many of us; and tsunamis (am I spelling that right?) for some of us. Everthing changes, everything is impermanent; this state I'm in will change as well. I heard a quote from the Dahli Llama, but I can only paraphrase it: in the most painful of times there is the greatest potential for seeing the good, the light. I do want to believe that and I hope it is true for us all. Potential is different than 'for sure', but there is a chance. I'm rambling, time to say goodnight, or good morning, depending on where you are in the world.