Giving Thanks for Unknown Blessings...

The holidays... hmmmm. What I have to share seems to swim upstream from the mainstream but I know that I'm not alone in my experiences either. 

This time of year more than any other is a time of gentle coaxing, each year I hope will be easier than the last, and I do believe that each one is getting easier as I learn how to be gentle with myself, mining my thoughts often for the dark forces that whisper and would have me believe that I am shackled to the misery and helpless suffering of depression and despondance when it descends on me. Meanwhile, the world celebrates some of the biggest parties of the year. Without me.

Those of you that know me or have followed my blog over the years know my battles with depression, for those of you new here, now you know too. It continues to be a life challenge, especially during the winter months.  I have a SAAD light, it helps, but it's not just about the outside light I'm learning, it's a lot about my flickering inside light that just needs much more care and attention right now. My self care takes priority #1, everything else has to take a back seat.

Taking care of myself can mean taking walks outside by the river, being bowled-over-on-the-ground by the majesty of the eagle that tops our cedar tree, listening to the eagles call

Are they talking about salmon?

************************************

Allowing myself lots of room to DO nothing, sit,  meditate or wile away the hours reading and writing. To let go of the critical voice that wants to constantly remind me that I am behind, or not enough, or not, not, not...

Creating a little something beautiful somewhere in my life, it could be re-arranging a collection of beautiful objects...

 *painted box and pottery cups creations of dear friend Misty Mawn*

Spending time in my visual journal, with my canvas, in my kitchen, garden, or sewing room. Painting a self portrait  can be theraputic.

Taking small actions during the day that I can feel good about, accomplished about. It doesn't matter how small. For example - sweeping the floor. 

Reaching out a little every day to others. An "I love you" or "thank you" or "I so appreciate what you did/do" keeps me connected and grateful. 

Finding something that makes me laugh - remembering something funny or watching a comedy (The Long Long Trailer, a movie starring Lucille Ball and Desie Arnez will do it every time).

Remembering what I do have to offer to the world, what are my gifts? Remembering my purpose here, even when I'm on "sabbatical" for a few months or however long it is.

Being grateful, making a list - either mental or on paper - of all that I have to be thankful for...that list is long.

Each and every day I exert a great deal of energy to keep my boat afloat and going the right direction in these storms. But I've also got better maps now and I use them, and the internet lets me stay connected in a way I didn't have before.

And from experience I know now that there will be gifts to see and receive when the sky is again blue and sun bright, gifts that can also be what I have to offer the world.

I honor and claim this story I'm living, each day I create it through my thoughts, my actions, and my sometimes-weak-and-flickering-but-Beloved Light. 

Wishing you all the deepest joy and love this holiday season, and into the New Year. 

 

 

Comments

[Bridgette]

It's hard to think that a woman who radiates light has trouble seeing her own beautiful inner light. Wishing you a peaceful and wondrous holiday season Katie.
xo

[Judy Wise]

Sending love, support, my own humility in the face of your inner beauty.

[Sandy]

Praying for you! It is a terrible sickness..glad your working through some of it...

[Kelley]

Your thoughts here echo my own so closely - thank you for sharing. Wishing lots of light for us both through the holidays and beyond.

[Jackie]

You've put it so perfectly, Katie! This mirrors so much of how I'm feeling right now. You're such a beautiful soul - take good care and know that you bring so much joy to others!

[Cathy Walters]

I absolutely love this post. I struggle with depression also...the "not enough" hits home for me. I'm sorry you struggle, but thank you for sharing your internal world. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

[Lisa]

Thank you so much. I love that you shared so much of yourself. When everyone seems so perfect to me and I at times feel like I am not enough. May you find the light inside and see how it shines on the outside. Wishing you joy and happiness this holiday season and in the new year also.

[Kathie Vezzani]

My dear Katie, your words are my words, your pain my own. This is a difficult time of the year. May our lights burn brighter in the new year. Love you.

[tara]

So beautiful Katie. I share in your wisdom.
xo

[Carol Peringer]

Dear Katie,
I will say, with great respect to those who have commented, that you are not sick, or troubled, or imperfect or anything less than enough. You are human, fully conscious. Your superpower is that you can see in the dark. Many, many humans long for depth........you live in the deep place and that is a mighty place to live.

With Love,
Carol

[Paula]

As I read … I found a deeper connection to you. I am you … and, you are me. It never occurred to me that it was OK to just be with it all … until now. Thank YOU!

[Sharon Tomlinson]

Love you
Thank you

[Gwen Delmore]

Thank you for sharing this, Katie. It strikes a chord for me, also. I have been making a practice of listing all things I am thankful for before sleep.

To add to your pile of books, I have been reading Seven Thousand Ways to Listen: Staying Close to What is Sacred by Mark Nepo. I read a little before bed, and am so glad I found this book on the "new and interesting" shelf at my library.

[carlanda williamson]

Thank you sweet soul. Sending love and light and peace. Xo carlanda

[misty]

i treasure and love you so much dear friend. beautiful post.
xooxx

[Lynn]

Some things seem so universal, don't they? Just when we think we're the only ones struggling or suffering, we find out how wrong we are. We all have these hard times, and we all need love and support to manage the difficult things. Sending you buckets of warmth and caring and sun (from Az!) to carry you through. Merry Christmas, Katie, and all blessings into the new year!! PS. Your thoughts, and all the wonder of your art are blessings to the rest of us. Thank you for sharing them! 😊

[Karen]

Thank you for sharing yourself with "us." I, too, have been suffering from a horrible deep depression these last few months. It is art and those like you that keep me going everyday, reminding me to be gentle and good to myself. Sometimes just sweeping the floor is the biggest thing I could do, but need to remind myself that I continue to put one foot in front of the other. Thank you for letting me know that I'm not alone in this. I believe enough to know that I will get on the other side of this in due time. So in the meantime I bought myself a set of paints and remind myself that life is like paint on a canvas.....we don't like it.... just change the color!! Happy Holidays, my internet artist friend. Wishing you happiness and joy!!

[Randall]

Hi Katie,
Thanks for sharing your story. I'm often moved by authentic expressions of the journey to be fully human and the struggle that entails. It's taken me a very long time to realize that I don't have to struggle with either the light or the dark. (yes, one can struggle w/ the light) I still do, of course, but I remember more and more quickly that it's a choice.

[Marci]

Oh this made me cry. I too have depression...bi-polar...and I am deep in right now. It makes me feel so alone. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, it always helps to know that I am not alone. Thank you also for the reminder that it will pass. Happy holidays sweet lady.

[robyn thayer]

Gorgeous you in all ways. Thank you and much love.

[Jeanne Levy]

Hope the winter is short and your art creations bring you joy. Comforting to know that even those overloaded with talent still question themselves. Makes those of us struggling have a little more patience with ourselves. i struggle with panic disorder, so know a little about those mental quirks that make life sometimes not so easy. Take care of yourself, Katie.

[somepinkflowers]

{{ know this to B true ::

every time i wear the bracelet
you so patiently taught me to make
in SMA
i send you Light ...

seriously

i send you light
up outta my heart,
thru the ocean of air
over my head,
waaaay across the wide USA,
to yOu ... }}

everyone has told me
i am Too Sensitive
but i say
i am Just The Right Amount of Sensitive
for moi ...

being sensitive
to our environment
helps us see the threads of teeny things
all around us
&
sometimes
sometimes
all this SEEING--
whilst grand for art*making--
can B overwhelming ...

i know

xox

[Nancy Curry]

This resonated with me. I wish peace for us both. Your story really spoke volumes about what I need to do for myself. Thank you.

[Theartsyfartsychick]

I know this.... <3

[Danielle]

Thank you Katie for sharing your thoughts. Sometimes, your words could be mine. I wish you peace, wisdom and all kind of joy in 2014.

[Joan Tucker]

This is an old post for you and a perfect today post for me..I am making faces, wild faces, furious faces, lost faces and when I cannot stand myself any longer I go to the net in search of "faces"... your blog always works for me; I know about dark and light and that inner light.. sometimes to pull it shivering out into winter to guide the path to spring and maybe more joy. Thank you are being honest and real and talented and for making through "your" magic it possible for others like me.. holding onto art as a very new way to stay on the path to light.
I look forward to your week with painting with the masters. May you shine and nurture your light and may spring come to Washington soon. Joan T